- As the New York Times went to the print presses late Saturday night with what would become the most comprehensive outline of how a Kerry presidency would better not only the United States, but the World, too, the Kerry campaign went into full half-way disclosure mode.
Kerry's advisers were quietly chit-chatting amongst themselves about the substance of the New York Times piece. Soon, the press core could see it was more than chatting, but out right giddiness. When asked about their apparent good nature one adviser said, "We're not going to talk about the specifics, but we will share with you that we are more excited about how we expect the Republicans react to the piece. We've set a trap for them." Reporters continued hounding the bunch for details, but after 30 minutes of teasing the group of advisers huddled together in the women's bathroom of the hotel Kerry's entourage was staying.
Then yesterday the New York Times article was released. It was less than 24-hours before the Bush/Cheney Campaign released an ad quoting and attacking Kerry for his comments made in the article.
We have to get back to the place we were, where terrorists are not the focus of our lives, but theyre a nuisance, Kerry was quoted in the piece. ''As a former law-enforcement person, I know we're never going to end prostitution." Almost immediately Kerry was being hammered by internet gossip and conspiracy websites, what most people know as Karl Rove's subordinates, about these comments. One commenter on the ultra-rightwing hate site Little Green Footballs
was inclined to write, "This moron is actually equating a terrorist car-bomb attack to a $20 bl*wj*b. Is there any more proof necessary that he simply doesn't get it?"
Yet, this might have only been a diversion, buying time for the attack
the official Bush Campaign was to release early this morning. "How can he protect us when he doesn't even understand the threat?" The new Bush ad asks voters.
But as much as this might seem upsetting to the Kerry campaign the reality was sheer joy on the trail when confronted with the new ad. "This is EXACTLY what we were going for," said an unnamed source. "They've played right into our hands!" When asked what exactly she meant her response was, "Just wait and see. John will be addressing his plan for the defense of the nation during a speech, today. He'll talk about Homeland security and defending against terrorism on our OWN shores."
Because reporters had hounded the Kerry campaign for months to release details of his many plans the core was a buzz. Some reporters actually decided to attend the speech instead of paraphrasing the story coming off the AP wires. Others quietly competed against each other to see who's story would hit the world wide web first.
When we first arrived at the rally we spoke with many people who were highly anticipating Kerry's appearance. Said one woman holding a sign that read, "My bush is working for Kerry", "I've seen the quotes where he equates terrorism to prostitutes. It doesn't bother me. Prostitution is the oldest profession and it of course originated in the Middle East. There probably is a connection between prostitution and terrorism. If you deal with one in one manner you should be able to deal with the other in the same way. It only makes sense."
Clearly the crowd was not phased by the recent comments Kerry had made to the New York Times. Everyone was happy and joyous. There was a sense of euphoria and a state of one-mindedness.
Eventually, Kerry arrived on stage. He first talked about the gloomy economic stats including the extremely high unemployment rate of 5.4%. But it did not take long for the predicted focus on defense of the homeland.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Kerry addressed his uber-supporters in his usual confident and exciting tone, "you may have heard about the new expose of yours truly in the New York Times. And you may have heard about our opponents reaction to that article..." The crowd began to boo, but Kerry quickly reassured them. "Wait... wait a minute. They may be making fun of my insistence that terrorism can be scaled back to a nuisance, but I'm here to tell you I have a plan." The crowd became very quiet in anticipation.
"And part of that plan includes fighting that nuisance right here at home. That is why I want to announce part of my plan to the people right here in Nevada, because you are part of that home I am speaking of. When we talk about terrorism being a nuisance we're don't mean we will do nothing about it. No, we will take a strong stance and fight that nuisance. I have talked about shutting down development of nuclear buster bunkers, and I'm here to tell you we're going to take those funds and put it towards my new plan of securing the homeland against the nuisance of terrorism. Starting immediately after I take the oath of office as President of the United States we will begin dispersing equipment around the country that will first attract this nuisance and then vaporize it." With that John Kerry unveiled an easel holding an image of the newly developed equipment. It resembled a bug zapper, one that would attract mosquitoes
. "I know this is not a life size image, but these units will be about as tall as I am, or maybe even a little taller. Once a terrorist sees this he will unwittingly walk right into it and be zapped. That will be the end of that nuisance."
The crowd was dumbfounded. Nobody knew whether to laugh or cry, but one thing everyone knew was that if the was a joke or for real it was the end of the Kerry Campaign.
Scrappleface found out MORE
about Kerry's stratergy
... er, plan.