Found in Translation

I playeds on wordses, again, preciousss.

Here is my attempt to bring you the lost and found, what John Kerry was really saying to YOU last night (where to start? there's so much BS):

• "Yes, I do."

Translation: What kind of stupid question is that? I went to Vietnam! Of course I could do a better job at preventing a terrorist attack, ***cough*** (under breath) even though there hasn't been one on American soil since 9/11/2001.

• "...but we just have a different set of convictions about how you make America safe."

Translation: Look, if you didn't know, I went to Vietnam. (rolling eyes) When I came back I successfully painted a picture of those still serving as monsters which turned the country against that war and forced the politicians to stop fighting my communist friends. Sure, I lied about the soldiers, but hey, the ends justify the means.

• "I'll never give a veto to any country over our security. But I also know how to lead those alliances."

Translation: Did you see how stupid of a leader Jase was on Big Brother? He had that thing wrapped up and the totally screwed himself and the rest of the Four Horsemen. Well, except for Drew of course, who did the RIGHT thing and acquiesced to that girl (i.e. France) and came out the winner. Smart guy!

Okay, I was gone for a little bit. We have a liberal drinking policy here in the office and today is October 1 and you know what Oktober means... next quote.

• "I have a better plan to be able to fight the war on terror by strengthening our military, strengthening our intelligence, by going after the financing more authoritatively..."

Translation: Did I say strengthen our military? That's funny, 'cause what I meant was neuter. You'll see what I mean later on in the debate when I talk about freezing our nuclear developement programs. Oh, by the way, I'm going to tax the h**l outta you, dumba**!

This could get long folks. I'm still in the answer to the first question.

More later...

... More now:

• "I have a plan to have a summit with all of the allies..."

Translation: Well, I plan to have my allies over for a cocktail AT the summit of Sun Valley. We'll talk about nice things and how everyone who isn't here is totaly stupid. Then we'll go play jokes on my Secret Service detail by pushing them down the mountain. Yeah, who's falling down now, b***h?!

• "I believe in being strong and resolute and determined..."

Translation: (more like an extension)... when finding a wealthy spouse. You need advice? Try my hotline - I've done it twice, now. Ivana Trump can kiss my...

• "And they believe it because they know I would not take my eye off of the goal: Osama bin Laden."

Translation: What we need to do is track down OBL, and bring him to justice. By justice, I mean hire Mark Geragos as his lawyer and when he wins, let My Little Pony sue the justice department for irrepairable damages to his character.

developing...

• "Those words mean something to me, as somebody who has been in combat."

Translation: When I talk about being in Vietnam, it better frickin' matter to you, 'cause I shot a young'un in the back and I'll do it again.

• "I don't believe the United States did that."

Translation: I don't believe IN the United States, capitalist pigs!

• "And we pushed our allies aside."

Translation: (maybe a bit too obvious) W. didn't grab his ankles. As your President, I pledge I will never be too proud to try new things.

• "$200 billion that could have been used for health care, for schools, for construction, for prescription drugs for seniors, and it's in Iraq. "

Translation: Don't quote me on this, 'cause I'm sure I said the complete opposite someplace else. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna tax the H*LL outta you, dumba**!

• "...where the opium production is 75 percent of the world's opium production;"

Translation: Sweet! I said "opium" twice in the same stanza. Ahhh, sweet, sweet Vietnam.

• "...where 40 to 60 percent of the economy of Afghanistan is based on opium;"

Translation: Awesome! That's 3 times in the same sentence!

• "...in Afghanistan, where Osama bin Laden is."

Translation: Ha! I just said OBL was in Afghanistan. That'll fool them into thinking they have to prove he's not in Afghanistan and bring him out of the freezer. WE all know what October holds in store for OBL - oh yes, we know.

• Iraq was not even close to the center of the war on terror

Translation: I hope nobody looks at a map of the middle east 'cause I just said Iraq was not even close to the center of the war on terror, which I said was Afghanistan, which is right next to Iran, which is right next to Iraq. Do you think anyone will figure out there REALLY is a connection?

• "And he rushed the war in Iraq without a plan to win the peace."

Translation: That cowboy never, ever even entertained the thought of surrendering to Saddam. Not me - if I go to war every soldier will be equiped with a white hankerchief that must be worn in the front-left pocket of their shirt.

• "And you go visit some of those kids in the hospitals today who were maimed because they don't have the armament."

Translation: YOU go visit those dumba**es in the hospitals. I'm not! Nooooooo way, mister. They got hurt because someone ELSE wounded them. I had a much better plan on how to get a purple heart and it was fairly pain-free. The only thing that hurt was my wrist from writing and re-writing all the after action reports.

I'm hungry - more later... maybe.

UPDATE 10/4: JustOneMinute discovered another attempt at interpretation from Juan Cole.