Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Izzy vs. Hezbyotches: Cliff Notes

Okay, for those of you who were not paying attention during class and have chosen not to read the book here are the Cliff Notes for the latest Midnight Mideast Matinee:

Johnny: Ha! Ha! Look what I took.
Dave: Uh, better return that to it's rightful place.
Johnny: Watchya gonna do about it?
Dave: It's in your best interest not to find out.
Johnny: Oh yeah? Come and get it, jerk!
Dave: I'll give you one more chance before I hurt you.
Johnny: Oh, I'm so scaaaaared. Look, I'm so scared I'm taking it over to Old Man Libby's place.
Dave: Shocking, considering he invites you over to look at porn on his computer.
Johnny: Whatever.
Dave: Okay, so you're going to return that now.
Johnny: Uh, nope.
Johnny: WTF, man? My eye! My eye! I can't see.
Dave: I hit you square in your gut, moron.
Johnny: My eye. I can't believe you're trying to blind me.
Dave: (rolls eyes)
Johnny: I can't hear.
Dave: It's amazing you can actually talk after those punches to your gut.
Johnny: I'm resiliant.
Dave: Even to these?
(Continuous thumping)
Johnny: UNcle Francis, Dave's hurting me.
UNcle Francis: Is this true, Dave?
Dave: Yeah - but he started it.
UNcle Francis: Johnny?
Johnny: Heck no!
Dave: Bull - he took my sister's dolls.
Johnny: No I didn't.
UNcle Francis: He says he didn't.
Dave: What are those in his hands, then?
(Shoulder shrugs)
UNcle Francis: That's it. Dave you must stop hurting Johnny. I'll find one of your cousins to sit between the two of you in the car on the way to the dentist.
Dave: What about Johnny?
UNcle Francis: I said, stop hurting Johnny.
Dave: (under his breath) This is bull crap.
UNcle Francis: Zip it. Not a word.
(Dave leers at Johnny who is smirking).
Dave: (mouthed) I'm gonna get you.
(Johnny sticks out tongue. UNcle Francis exits stage left.)
Johnny: Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. (singing) We are the champions, my friends...
Dave: But you'll probably be crapping blood, tonight.
Johnny: ... And we'll keep on fighting to the end. We are the champions. We are the champions. No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions... of the world.

Left off with the distinct understanding of a sequel.