Friday, October 22, 2004

Kerry's plan to WIN THE PEACE

Yesterday, in Minnesota, John Kerry was introduced to a waiting crowd by the widow of Christopher Reeve, Dana Reeve. But that's not where their association ends. In an exclusive story from EiP comes the details of John Kerry's dramatic plan (Secret word! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!) to win the peace in the Middle East and reduce terrorism to a nuisance.

We sat down with the grieving Mrs. Reeve and John Kerry in the spacious, chilly mansion the Reeves shared with their children. Dana was unable to speak most of the time, but the Senator was there to take command of the situation and spell out in great detail the secret plan the two had devised together - the plan that will bring the World together and create an atmosphere of joy and cooperation amongst long time enemies.

"Two words," said Kerry. "Stem cells. Stem cells are our only hope. They will transform our foreign policy forever."

Kerry contends that once all bans on stem cell research have been released it will only be a matter of weeks before cures for cancer, Alzheimer's, diabetes and even starvation will have been discovered. This technology and knowledge would then be exported to all nations of the world through a United Nations program, ensuring the interest of the third world nations.

"This isn't JUST a plan", Kerry said, "this is the answer the World has been waiting for, maybe for everything, and it's been right under our noses all along." He argues the only reason the quagmire in Iraq continues is the President's stubbornness and refusal to lift the ban on embryonic stem cell research. When we confronted the Senator with the fact there is no ban on the research, but simply a limit of Federal funding for such programs the Senator replied, "The Federal government not funding a program is essentially a ban. I believe that precedent was set decades ago in the former Soviet Republics."

It was clear both Kerry and Mrs. Reeve were excited about this plan. This was the missing link to end all wars and misunderstanding between Warring nations forever. However, it seemed their reasons for joy were completely separate. Mrs. Reeve's excitement seemed to stem from the possibility the efforts of her husband could ultimately lead to the elusive "World Peace." Yet Kerry took another, more nuanced approach. "Do you know what this mean? It means I really do have a plan now. Something that I can tout in front of crowds and adoring journalists. Soon, I will win this election... Oh, and end war forever, too."

As we were leaving the two to themselves they were sitting down to a dinner prepared by Reeve. It seemed the two were a match made in Heaven - one with commendable ideals and the other with self-interests. It was a match Kerry was happy to nurture and parade for our cameras.

Said Mrs. Reeve, "To Chris." "To Chris," repeated the Senator. "And to Teresa," she continued. "Yeah, whatever. Been there. Done that," mumbled Kerry.

UPDATE: Wizbang commenters are on the story!