Kerry attacks Bush on Hurricanes; says National Hurricane Center "contradicts itself"

PHILADELPHIA - In front of a crowd very accepting of his message Presidential Candidate John Kerry went on the offensive against President Bush. In what he calls a blatant attempt to mislead the American people, Kerry said he knew of a secret plan that could stop hurricanes in it's tracks, and in the very least divert them out to sea. Yet he says the Bush administration refuses to implement or even talk about the plan and instead is willing to send Florida's sons and daughters "running for their lives towards other states."

Said Kerry, "Just today three million Floridians are being told to evacuate. Evacuate to where, Mr. President? How can you ask someone to be the last person to leave Palm Beach County?" Later he added, "I remember in Vietnam just about the time I was leading my men in what should have been the decisive battle to win the war a typhoon came right up behind us, caught us off guard and wiped out over half of our men. Some of us found ourselves blown 5 miles into Cambodia. I even picked up a hat that was washed up on the shore of the river. It was devastating. That's when we were forced to start committing war crimes."

Not to let the subject drop, Kerry continued to pound Bush over what he calls "the quagmire in Florida". He cited the administration's pure lack of concern over Florida as proof they would prefer Florida never got to vote, again. When asked to expand he said, "Clearly this administration has no family in Florida. What would they care if the entire state was taken out to sea by a succession of hurricanes?" When it was pointed out the President's own brother was the governor of Florida Kerry stated, "That doesn't mean he LIVES there. I'm Senator and my post is in Washington, DC, but I haven't been to Washington in over 8 years. There's nothing important going on there."

A reporter asked if he put the blame for the brutal hurricane season squarely on the shoulders of the President. "I don't know what you mean by squarely," he said. "Whenever I look at the satellite shots of a hurricane they always seem spirally, to me. But if you mean do I blame the President, I think you answered your own question. Ask my wife what she thinks about that."

His wife, Teresa Heinz-Kerry, was none too shy to speak to the press. Upon having the question repeated to her 7 times and finally in French she answered, "Yes, clearly the hurricane season should be blamed on Bush. In fact, don't be surprised if in October another hurricane makes its way towards Florida. I personally am anticipating an 'October Surprise'. This administration would do anything to get re-elected. That includes creating hurricanes so naked, starving children are running around Bush can show he is compassionate by feeding AND clothing them at the same time. My husband's administration would be far more realistic about this. The children would be fed first and clothed later - let them go naked. That's what we did with our servants' children while I grew up in Mozambique."

Responding to the National Hurricane Center's press conference about the anticipated arrival of Jeanne in Florida Kerry said they were contradicting themselves from last week when they said they were hoping for just a "tropical storm". "They're lying because they are just puppets of the Bush administration. When I am President, I will make the restoration of our alliances with foreign weather services a top priority. I have seen Fidel Castro's weather reports. They're quite nice and I think they appeal to the 'people' because of their modest sets."

Tomorrow, Kerry plans to flying to Sun Valley Idaho to spend a few days at his wife's vacation home.

UPDATE: Frank J. says "Mean" Jeanne has been cancelled. If you have tickets please hold on to them until we find out whether there will be a new date or a refund.