Thursday, September 23, 2004


In what officials call one of the greatest journalistic coups of all time, CBS producer, Mary Mapes of Dallas, Texas, has contacted the White House on behalf of the World's most wanted man, Osama Bin Laden. In a call to White House spokesman, Dan Bartlett, Mapes indicated Bin Laden was willing to negotiate peace with the United States. Said Mapes, "Really, his demands are very reasonable. He simply would like for our government to hand over two-million American citizens for extermination and for the remaining infidels to convert to Islam." There was no word on where such a meeting would take place, but Mapes speculated somewhere in Europe to insure neutrality. "Paris seems reasonable to me. Starbucks has opened up a number of locations. We could all sit down and discuss the details over lattes," Mapes said.

Mapes first got her hands on the story when one of Bin Laden's associates in the U.S. approached her at the filming of PBS's "Antique Roadshow" in Savannah, Georgia. She had been working on contacting Bin Laden nearly 3 years, but when it just "fell in her lap" it seemed too good to be true. "I have dreamed of a lead like this for 3 years, now. And the dreams are even more vivid when I've forgotten to take my Zoloft," said Mapes, formerly of Seattle, Washington.

When contacted for comment, Dan Bartlett said he remembered taking a call from Mapes, but passed it onto his secretary to take down the details. "She said she had made contact with Bin Laden and that the end of the evil empire created by the President was coming to an end. I thought maybe she had just returned home after attending a screening of 'Fahrenheit 9/11' and smoking dope and just needed to blow off some steam." He said she was never taken seriously because the White House had asked the FBI to investigate her history.

In related news, after reporting on Mapes's story on CBS Nightly News, Dan Rather immediately stormed off the set and did not return for 7 minutes. CBS crewmembers who witnessed the incident said he was ranting and raving about offering the same sort of deal to Saddam Hussein's before America invaded Iraq, but that Saddam just laughed at him and CBS executives simply did not feel he had the time to work on a project that size because he was busy with other more important stories. One CBS executive said, "Hurricane season was coming quick. We couldn't risk having Dan kidnapped while visiting Iraq to broker such a deal."

(yes, folks, that satire - deal with it)

And in this morning's CBS/Rather/Mapes roundup there are these to consider:

From Powerline: Rove Speaks and The Spreading Stain
From Rathergate: Jayson Blair Speaks Out
From Hugh Hewitt: Hugh Writes a speech for Les Moonves

I'm sure there is lots more, but I have work to do. Later!

UPDATE: Yeah, I was right, there is MUCH, MUCH more including this satire much better than Editors in Pajamas'.